Jude is hugely social. He loves to chat and make friends everywhere he goes. Friendship for Jude is so a massively important part of his life.
I’ve often wondered if Jude realises the people looking after him aren’t just friends, but are paid support workers too. In his eyes, he’s hanging out with his mates! And at his old school house, it often was like that. With them taking him out on adventures after school, or just playing games, and chilling at the house together chatting and laughing.
At school, he made some wonderful friendships. Both with peers and support workers/school teachers. He talks about them every day with huge fondness. Even peers that have moved on and he hasn’t seen for a few years. It’s one of the most endearing aspects of his character – just how much he cares and is cared for.
I’m so proud of the young man he’s become, but equally I feel bad for not being able to support all of his friendships. It’s not simply a matter of calling up and arranging a catch up with friends. We have to contemplate the potential for confusion, over-stimulation, picking a day where he’s most likely to cope with such a trip and ditto for his friend. Then there’s the question of where do they go?!
There’s a person from his old school he regularly asks about. And it breaks my heart that the likelihood is, he can’t really see them on a regular basis. If at all.
How do people navigate supporting friendships with their SEND young people? I’d love your feedback.
These days, Jude’s certainly has many a visit from people he loves from his old school and school house. He’s always so happy to see them. And I feel honoured that they want to give up their own time to maintain a connection with Jude. Even take him out for a walk, to the park or a treat at the shops.
Friendships outside the box
Friendship for young people like Jude doesn’t always fit the mould we expect. It might look different, feel different, or move at a slower pace, but it’s still hugely meaningful. Sometimes, the connection is finding something funny, a remembered jokey name, a familiar face at a day centre or café. It’s in those moments of being seen and understood, even for a few minutes. Jude has a fantastic memory and he loves to reflect on these moments that have sometimes passed years ago.
Photos as well. He LOVES photos. There are lots in his room, in photo albums at home that he sits for hours flicking through, plus (literally) thousands on his iPad.
I’ve talked about it before. Building that web around Jude of people he can trust and rely on. Friendship has helped develop this web through connections he’s made himself. I see this as a wonderfully independent way of shaping his own adult life how he wants it. At least the people he wants involved in it.
So while it’s not always simple to facilitate friendships in the traditional sense, I’ve come to see that Jude’s social world is still rich. And vastly unique.
I think the combination of his unique social skills plus being embedded in the wonderful community he experienced at his school and school house has fostered the situation within which we now find ourselves.
And maybe that’s what friendship really is at its core – showing up, sharing a smile, and reminding each other that we matter.
If Jude feels valued he will be your friend for life. I’m sure this is the case for many people.
Yet so many people with disabilities are disregarded, spoken over, ignored or treated as babies. I often see it happening to Jude and he doesn’t miss it either.
This leads me onto a few facts:
- In the UK, adults with a disability are much likelier to report loneliness than those without. In fact, *one study found that around a quarter (25%) of adults with a disability reported ‘substantial’ loneliness. This is compared to just 7% for people without disabilities.
- **Almost two-thirds (61%) of disabled people said they were “chronically lonely,” meaning they feel lonely “always” or “often.” Among younger disabled people (aged 16-24), this rose to ~70%.
- ***One in three (37%) said they hardly ever or even never go out to socialise.
- With the same survey explaining that many expressed they want more support to do social activities and make friends. The figure is around 66% in that particular survey.
We need to ensure adults with SEND are fully supported in their social needs. It’s something I feel very strongly about but don’t know how to help the situation. While Jude is in a difficult place at the moment, he’s one of the lucky ones. And unfortunately, I can see how easily it is for people like Jude to be left unsupported.
As a society we must do better.
*BMC Public Health ‘Disability and loneliness in the United Kingdom: cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses of trends and transitions’
** Sense ‘Fear of mental health crisis as loneliness rises dramatically amongst disabled people’
***hft ‘Loneliness for adults with learning disabilities not limited to lockdown according to research’
