I’ve been feeling it quite badly recently. Tiredness. Literally constant tiredness. I have about a million things on my mind, stress at every corner and that feeling of weight upon my entire being. Day to day I just about get through everything I need to do to keep the children happy and content, I throw a few chores in for good measure but very little else is achieved. I have admin chores that have no hope in making it to the top of my “to do” list, not even reaching it at arms length. You know the sort of thing…change details with a provider, pay a bill that’s been sat waiting for yonks, clear out a cupboard that is heaving at the hinges. It’ll just never happen.
I’m tired, so so tired that I don’t even think having a long sleep would help. I need to sleep for about a week and for, during that time, magical fairies to turn up and make everything right for me. Turn that negative account balance into a positive, sort my work diary out for me, tidy the house, make Jude happy. His night-times are really bothering me. We used to be at a stage where, if he was a nightmare in the day then we had that glimmer of hope that at least the evening and night would be fine as he used to sleep like the dead. Gone at 7pm and not emerging for around eleven hours later and even then, he’d just play in his room until we made breakfast. Now with his horrific bedtime habits and his middle of the night waking for an hour or so, I’ve lost that last element of sanity that kept me going. If I knew what time he would wake in the middle of the night then it wouldn’t be so bad but it’s that anticipation, wondering if he’ll make it all the way through, listening to every creak of a floorboard and wondering if it’s him.
I wrote a really long email to the council last week (no reply yet). I spoke to my Case Worker’s Manager and she told me that if I felt I could argue my corner then she would back me up in my plight to find a suitable boarding option for Jude. I immediately felt ecstatic but then felt horribly guilty that I was appearing to want rid of my son. I don’t, I truly don’t. If I could wave a wand and stop all the issues then I would in a heart beat. I wasn’t going to show you all the email but perhaps I will. I always pledged to be entirely open about everything on my blog so feel it is important I retain that with every step we take in this life.
But anyway, I didn’t want to bore you with my usual woes but I saw the above statement and it really made me reflect. To be so tired that even sleep fails to refresh you means there is a deeper reflection of life needed.
Tomorrow, I will post the email that I sent. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.