First breakage…

Bought these today as Jude has already broken two out of the three that I bought with the Family Fund money…

In Association with

See how long the rest of our new bits lasts!! These tubes are great fun, quite hypnotic to watch and actually Emmeline enjoys playing with them too. She especially loves Jude’s new bubble tube and always tries to get into Jude’s bedroom to watch it! I guess babies are drawn to colours and movement so perhaps I’ll invest in a few similar items for her as I know Jude won’t let the new toys leave his bedroom.

Interesting day…I called the social care team at Herts Council twice and found out that my (possible) Social Worker, or at least the person who can help me a bit better is away until next week. She’s going to call me Monday apparently…call me a pessimist but I’ll be AMAZED if I get a phone call even by Wednesday next week. Please prove me wrong Herts Council.

Jude went to Jubilee House for a while this afternoon, for the first time without Jade and he behaved a bit weirdly. I don’t know if it was in connection with Jade leaving or him thinking he was with his new Support Worker today but actually wasn’t. I told him he was seeing her (she’s called Lucy) however there was a last minute change because she wasn’t available which meant someone entirely different collected Jude and spent time with him at Jubilee House. It’s really odd because Jude can be quite unpredictable in terms of how he copes with change. Sometimes, it’s as if nothing has happened but other times it can send him crazy. Today unfortunately was the latter.

We’ve had a really cool summer holiday so far and I was beginning to think Jude was changing in terms of his behaviour, growing up and becoming more “normal” if that makes sense. He’s been talking with increased fluidity and not doing as many of his crazy things and sometimes (not often), I have seen glimmers of what he’d be like if he didn’t have a learning disability. I can’t even imagine him as an everyday ten year old boy. I know I have mentioned this before but there are several things I contemplate quite often – what would he like doing? How would his and Elsa’s relationship manifest in everyday life? Would he be shy or confident? I think I’m still mourning the loss of the child I never had. Life goes so quickly and when you’re presented with this new baby and he has the added complications that Jude offers, it’s as if you just wing each day as it comes. Ten years on from his birth and I still don’t feel I know what I’m doing. The girls are easier as they are able to vocalise what makes them happy or sad, even Emmeline. Jude regularly just says the first thing that comes to mind or whatever his answer was previously to the same question. The whole point of this waffling paragraph is that I thought Jude was changing but actually he hasn’t as much as I thought. He was difficult today, not as difficult as he has been in the past so I guess that’s something to hold on to however, I honestly felt he was moving into a whole new wonderful realm of positive being. I was able to treat him like the others, until today. He was in his own little world today, didn’t care for consequence or outcome. This is one of the things I find most challenging, he just doesn’t care about outcome, his entire motive is self-satisfaction. Is this a normal learning disabled trait? I suppose it is if you have a mental age way below that of your chronological years.

I don’t know if I’m just tired but I feel quite down about everything today. I’m not normally a negative person but I seem to have layer upon layer of stress building up on my shoulders and eventually something is going to give. I always think about the part in About a Boy where Hugh Grant says he’s an island. I can totally relate to this statement and often tell people I feel like an island! Hmmm which island should I be…

Despite the randomly emotional day, we went to the park this morning and had such a lovely time. Jude told Emmeline that she’s his best friend and that he’s proud of her and how well she can walk now. I love it when he comes out with things like this, it’s just so sweet.

Look at those adrenalin junky eyes she has on the roundabout. The faster we went, the louder she shrieked with excitement!!

The girls can only have a positive influence on Jude so I’m massively grateful to have them as his sisters. A x

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