Emotions and mother’s guilt

So I’m having some pretty weird emotions right now. I’m not one to express myself very visually, some even says I can be quite ice queen-esque, rarely showing my true feelings for fear of people thinking I’m capable of human sentiments.

It’s our first night with Jude at his residential school and despite the fact I know he is completely content, I’m facing that almost corporeal phenomenon that is “mother’s guilt.”

It’s true, I feel bad. I’m not there to tuck Jude in his bed tonight and in my place is someone with whom he is yet to feel familiar. I won’t be the one to make his breakfast, nor will I be the one to yell at him to get dressed in the morning. I’m not the one he will be asking help of and I’m not the one who will answer his millionth “is it school tomorrow?” question. I have that hovering feeling that I’ve failed because I couldn’t support my own son’s needs.

It’s funny because despite the guilt, I have this figure on my other shoulder which is that of contentment. I won. I won Jude a place at a school that will help him thrive and tonight is merely one night in his whole life. Tomorrow he will be more familiar, will understand what is going on and he will go to his class and recognise his teacher that little bit more. I feel content because our house is at peace. I can’t tell you how quiet it is right now! It’s Jude’s bedtime right now and to my right, Elsa is finishing her homework and Emmeline is asleep. The only sound I can hear is the tapping of my laptop keys and the scratching of Elsa’s pen on paper. It’s divine and I realise now that the utilitarian in me has done what is best for everyone. Jude has a ton of people to meet his daily needs and will adore having all those opportunities to chat; he has new friends to wander around with and who will help him grow as a human being. I can speak to him every day and see him whenever I want and whenever he feels the need for family contact.

I spoke to Jude this afternoon after school and he sounded very chilled out. He and his house mates (and their Support Workers obviously) had wandered over to the park after lessons had finished and they had just returned to make their dinner.

What a wonderful situation for Jude and I (should) feel proud that we are giving him exactly what he needs; basically more humans around him. It’s not an easy thing to convince myself but hopefully it will cement itself with time.

I’d say, so far so good.